The Velvet Onion 'Joke of the Week' Archives

We had many request to keep our jokes of the week on the site. Enjoy ....

• Is atheism is a nonprophet organisation?
  
• I'm in shape. Round's a shape, isn't it?
  
• I can't believe that Eddie Stobart died at 56. I was sure he was in for the long haul.
•  A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
•  Ladies I can get you 100 tampons for £1! No Strings attached. For a limited period.
•  Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
•  My mate said to me, "Can you tell me what you call someone who comes from Corsica?" I said "Cors - I - can"!
•  Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?
•  Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One say. 'Ive lost my electron'. The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies 'Yes I'm positive'.
•  George Michael has released a new single. It's called "I've Dropped the Soap". He's apparently had a surprise entry in the number two slot.
•  Did you hear about the blind circumsisioner? He got the sack!
•  I got circumcised this week. The guy did such a good job I left him a tip!
•  I was in the army once and the Sergeant said to me: “What does surrender mean?” I said: “I give up!”
• 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. Fact.
• Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side.
• I was walking down the road the other day and I saw this advert in the window that said 'Television for Sale – Only £1- Volume Stuck On Full'. I thought I can’t turn that down.
• I met a dyslexic pimp today. He runs a warehouse.
• One arm butlers – they can take it but they can’t dish it out…
• Two fish are swimming along when one swims into a large slab of concrete. The other fish turns to him and says, "Oh Dam!"
• Albinos - You can't say fairer than that!
• I fell down a small, man-made waterfall recently and now I feel really weir'd.
• A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits.